6 Things You Need to Know Before Family Mediation

So, you’ve decided to try mediation to help you resolve a family issue. That’s a really positive step, helping you come to an agreement without the time and expense of court. 

But if you’ve never been to mediation before, you probably have questions. What actually happens? Do you have to agree to everything? Will you be in the same room as your ex? 

Mediation can be an incredibly effective way to sort out finances, arrangements for children, and other divorce-related issues. But going in prepared makes all the difference. Here are six essential things you need to know before your first mediation session.

1. Mediation isn’t relationship counselling 

The key point to know: mediation isn’t about saving your relationship or working through your feelings about what went wrong. 

The mediator isn’t there to take sides, offer relationship advice, or convince you to reconcile. They’re a neutral professional trained to help you reach practical agreements about the issues you’re facing. Whether that’s dividing assets, sorting out arrangements for your children, or deciding what happens to the family home, mediation is about sorting out the practical arrangements. 

Think of the mediator as a facilitator, not a therapist or judge. Their job is to keep conversations productive, help you both communicate effectively, and guide you towards solutions that work for your family. 

What this means for you: Come prepared to discuss practical matters, not to rehash old arguments or seek validation about whose fault the breakdown was. 

2. You don’t have to be in the same room 

This surprises many people, but you absolutely don’t have to sit face-to-face with your ex-partner during mediation. 

If you feel intimidated, there’s been domestic abuse, or you simply can’t be in the same space without an argument, mediators can arrange “shuttle mediation.” This means you’ll be in separate rooms, and the mediator moves between you, facilitating the discussion. 

You can also have mediation sessions conducted remotely via video call or telephone, which has become increasingly common and can feel less confrontational for some people. 

The key is that mediation should feel safe and constructive. Your mediator should discuss the format with you beforehand and ensure you’re comfortable with the arrangements. 

What this means for you: Don’t avoid mediation because you can’t bear the thought of sitting across from your ex. There are alternatives that can work for you. 

3. You’ll usually need a MIAM first 

Before you can apply to court for most family law matters in England and Wales, you’re required to attend a MIAM: a Mediation Information and Assessment Meeting. 

A MIAM is typically a short introductory session with a qualified mediator where you: 

• Learn what mediation involves 
• Discuss whether it’s suitable for your situation 
• Explore the issues you need to resolve 
• Get information about costs and the process 

Your ex-partner will have a separate MIAM (you don’t usually attend together). If both of you agree to proceed, you’ll then move into joint mediation sessions. 

There are exemptions to the MIAM requirement. For example, in cases involving domestic abuse or urgency. But for most people, it’s a mandatory first step before court proceedings. 

What this means for you: You can’t just bypass mediation and go straight to court (in most cases). Even if you think it won’t work, you’ll need to try it first.

What to expect with Setfords

• More time, more attention: With no targets, Setfords lawyers can dedicate more time to you.
• Ultimate flexibility: Our lawyers can tailor their schedules to meet your needs.
• Nationwide coverage: with hundreds of consultant lawyers across the UK, we’ll connect you with the right expert.
• Dedicated specialist legal partner: work directly with your chosen lawyer from start to finish.
• Highly experienced: Setfords lawyers have an average of 20 years’ experience, so you can be assured you’re in safe hands.
• Capacity-based allocation: our lawyers never take on more work than they can handle, so you get the focus and attention you deserve.

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4. Nothing is binding until you both agree (and make it legal) 

Did you know that what you discuss in mediation is confidential and “without prejudice”? This means it generally can’t be used as evidence in court later if mediation doesn’t work out. 

You’re free to walk away from mediation at any time. Nothing is set in stone until you and your ex-partner agree, and you’re never forced to accept terms you’re unhappy with. 

However, even when you do reach an agreement in mediation, it’s not automatically legally binding. For financial settlements, you’ll need to convert your mediation agreement into a consent order approved by the court. For child arrangements, many families operate on the basis of their mediated agreement without a court order, though you can apply for one if you want it formalised. You can usually get these orders without having to attend court. 

The mediator will typically produce a document called an “Open Financial Statement” or “Memorandum of Understanding” summarising what you’ve agreed. You’ll then need to take this to a solicitor to help make it legally binding. 

What this means for you: You maintain control throughout mediation. But don’t skip the final step of making agreements legally enforceable or you could be back to square one if someone changes their mind. 

5. You should still get legal advice 

Mediators are neutral. They can’t give you legal advice, and they won’t tell you whether an agreement is fair or legally sound. 

That’s why it’s highly recommended to get independent legal advice alongside mediation. A family law solicitor can: 

• Review any proposed agreements before you sign 
• Advise you on what you’re entitled to under the law 
• Flag anything that might be unfair or unworkable 
• Help you understand the long-term implications of decisions 
• Turn your mediation agreement into a legally binding order 

Some people worry this defeats the purpose of mediation, but having legal advice usually makes mediation more effective. You can negotiate from a position of knowledge rather than fear or uncertainty. 

What this means for you: Budget for legal advice even if you’re doing mediation. It’s not an either/or situation and they typically work best together. 

6. It costs money, but usually less than court 

Mediation isn’t free in most cases, but it’s significantly cheaper than contested court proceedings. 

Costs vary depending on the mediator and complexity of your case, but expect to pay somewhere between £100-£150 per person per hour (so £200-£300 per hour total if you’re splitting costs). A MIAM typically costs around £120-£150 per person. 

Simple cases might be resolved in 2-3 sessions (a few hours total). More complex financial situations or difficult child arrangement disputes might take 5-6 sessions or more. 

For context, taking a financial matter to a final court hearing can easily cost £15,000-£30,000+ per person in legal fees. Even a relatively straightforward contested case will run to thousands. Mediation, even if it takes several sessions, is almost always significantly cheaper. 

What this means for you: There may be a cost, but mediation is one of the most cost-effective ways to resolve family disputes. It’s an investment that usually saves you money in the long run. 

Is mediation right for you?

Mediation doesn’t work for everyone. If there’s been domestic abuse, significant power imbalances, or if one party is being deliberately obstructive, court may be necessary. 

But mediation offers a faster, cheaper, and less stressful way to reach agreements for most separating couples. You maintain more control over the outcome, you can be creative with solutions that work for your family (rather than having a judge impose a decision), and it’s generally far less stressful than court proceedings. 

The key is going in informed, supported by good legal advice, and with realistic expectations about the process. 

Ready to start?

If you’re considering mediation or have been told you need a MIAM, we can help. Many of our family lawyers are also trained mediators, helping you get fair, legally sound agreements that protect your interests and your family’s future. 

We can provide advice before you enter mediation, review any proposed agreements, and convert your mediation settlement into the legally binding orders you need for peace of mind. 

Get in touch today to discuss how we can support you through the mediation process.