What can domestic abuse against men look like?

Both men and women can be victims of domestic abuse. Helping and supporting both is important. This article, written by family law Chartered Legal Executive (FCILEX) Kiran Dhaliwal, will focus on domestic abuse against men, which is unfortunately common but not spoken about as often.

According to ManKind, a third of domestic abuse victims are men, equating to just under 700,000 men every year. Furthermore, one in every 6-7 men will be a victim of domestic abuse in their lifetime. Despite this, men are far less likely to come forward about the domestic abuse they have faced. 49% of male domestic abuse victims fail to tell anyone that they are a victim, and male victims are two and a half times less likely to tell anyone than female victims.  

A harrowing documentary on Channel 5 called My Wife the Abuser, highlights one man’s experience of 20 years of domestic abuse.  

So, what can domestic abuse against men look like, and why are men less likely to report the abuse than women are? This article explores the issue, as well as what can be done about it. 

What can domestic abuse against men look like? 

Domestic abuse will look different for every male victim. However, here are some common examples of what it can look like for men:

Physical abuse 

It is not just women who can experience physical domestic violence. Men can also be victims of this form of abuse. Physical abuse can lead to injuries and bruising, which victims may attempt to cover with their clothing.  

Coercive and controlling behaviour  

In these situations, the victim may not even realise that they are being abused. The abuser wears down their victim’s self-esteem over time in order to exert more control. This type of abuse may look like: 

• The abuser stops or changes the way the victim socialises with others 
• They coerce the victim to change their work pattern or routine, or even employment status 
• They enforce changes in routine at home, including a change in mealtimes and chores 
• As a result, the victim experiences a deterioration in their physical and/or mental health  

False Allegations 

Amongst the male victims of domestic abuse who do come forward, many report that they’re falsely accused of being an abuser themselves. The actual abuser may claim that they are the victim, and their partner has been abusing them. They can go to extreme lengths to deflect attention away from the fact that they are the abuser, including self-harming. An abuser may do this for several reasons, including: 

• Using it as a tactic to obtain legal aid in family law proceedings 
• Trying to prevent contact with children from happening (they may make up allegations of child abuse)  

Financial Abuse 

In situations of domestic abuse against men, the abuser may use money as a tool to control their victim. This could take several forms, including: 

• Denying the victim access to money 
• Making the victim responsible for all finances, such as the mortgage or rent and all household bills, whilst potentially also denying them the ability to do this by limiting their work opportunities  
• Scrutinising where every penny is spent whilst they themselves spend freely  

Threats 

Domestic abuse against men can often take the form of threats, which can be frightening and coerce the victim to comply. Threats often involve children, and examples can include: 

• Threats to leave with the children 
• Threats to prevent the victim from seeing their children if they leave the abuser 
• Threats to report the victim to the local authority as an unfit parent 
• The abuser may use the children as tools to get what they want  
• The promotion of parental alienation (when one parent turns the children against the other) 

Sexual Abuse 

Any sexual encounter without consent is deemed sexual abuse, including unwanted touching or forced activity. An abuser may insist on sex following the abuse to prove that they have been forgiven. They may also withhold sex or engage in uploading revenge porn of the victim. 

Stalking 

Being a victim of stalking can be hugely frightening, and it is unfortunately a common part of domestic abuse. The following behaviours can all be considered stalking: 

• Repeated following or watching 
• Obscene or silent calls 
• Multiple texts 
• Damaging property 
• Tracking via GPS or hidden apps 
• Messages left on voicemail 
• Unwanted emails and texts 

Cyber Stalking and Abuse  

Cyber stalking is online harassment. This is unwanted communication which causes fear, alarm and distress. As it takes place online, it can be hard to escape, even if the victim physically removes themselves from the abuser’s presence. 

In the social media era, abuse can also take place on these platforms. For example, an abuser could spread false or malicious information about the victim where it is visible to them and their friends and family. Or, they could take control of the victim’s social media accounts, controlling what they can view and post.  

Verbal Abuse 

Verbal abuse is another common form of domestic abuse against men. It happens when an abuser undermines their victim with the use of words. It can take place in front of others, damaging the victim’s self-esteem, sense of self-worth and self-belief. Verbal abuse is often referred to as part of the ‘erosion process,’ where an abuser erodes their victim’s self-esteem and sense of identity.  

Domestic abuse against men: what to look out for 

When it comes to domestic abuse against men, there is typically a gradual grooming process which erodes the victim’s self esteem, self worth, and confidence over time. Some of the warning signs that this is taking place for you or someone you know can include: 

• Physical changes 
• Behavioural changes 
• Changes in their contact pattern (how and when they contact you)
• Changes in work behaviour 
• Isolation 

Why is domestic abuse against men less likely to be reported?  

As has already been mentioned, both men and women can suffer from domestic abuse, but men are far less likely to report themselves as a victim. This is likely to be for a variety of reasons, some of which are discussed below: 

Masculinity and Shame 

In today’s society, there are often strong stereotypes about what it means to be masculine or to ‘be a man.’ Men and masculinity are typically represented as being dominant, financially independent, stoic, and protective in families. Male victims of domestic abuse may falsely believe that being a victim makes them weak or less masculine, and are ashamed, therefore less likely to tell anybody about what they are going through.  

Belief Systems 

The British societal belief system still sometimes implies that only women can be victims of domestic abuse. Some people and support agencies may also falsely think that men need less help than female victims; that violence against men is more acceptable than violence against women; or even that women cannot be abusers. This belief system can lead to victims being less likely to report domestic abuse against men, because they believe they will be ridiculed or that nobody will take them seriously. 

Fear 

Because of ideas of masculinity and how men should behave in society, male victims of domestic abuse may fear coming forward for many reasons, including:  

• They fear not being believed by family, friends, work colleagues, or even the police, health services, and other professionals. 
• They fear being accused of abuse themselves 
• They fear they will be stigmatised for receiving help 
• They fear that they won’t be taken seriously  
• They worry that they must have done something to deserve the abuse (self-blame) 
• They fear that they will not be able to see their children if they come forward due to threats made by their abuser 

Why do male victims of domestic abuse stay in the relationship? 

Sometimes, men will choose to not disclose the domestic abuse and stay in the relationship. There are a few reasons for this, such as: 

• They are concerned about the children’s safety 
• They are worried they will never see their children again 
• They do not want their children to be taken away or live far away from them 
• They do not have enough money or are have been denied access to their money  
• They stay out of embarrassment 
• The abuser has threatened that they will kill themselves if the victim leaves  
• The fear of being killed or a loved one being killed 

What can be done about domestic abuse against men?  

Male victims of domestic abuse must remember that they are not to blame for the abuse they have faced. There may not be as much support as there should be, but there are some organisations which are here to support and get male victims of domestic abuse through the difficult time they are facing.  

The NHS website provides pointers for where to seek support, and charities such as ManKind and Respect provide free and confidential advice lines for male victims.   

However, if you or your children are facing immediate harm, you can call 999.  

Legal support and the family courts  

Male victims of domestic abuse often fail to come forward because they are worried that they will lose access to their children. However, the family courts are here to help prevent that from happening. There have also been instances where male victims have been referred to as abusers, preventing them from accessing legal aid and forcing them to spend money on legal fees in order to gain contnact with their children. This is a painful process, but an area that we specialise in here at Setfords. 

At Setfords, our experienced family law solicitors are here to help you. We will listen to your situation empathetically and can help you navigate the family courts with practical advice. The needs of your children will always come first, and we can help you rebuild your life after domestic abuse. For more information about how we can help you and your family, please don’t hesitate to get in touch.  

This article was written by Kiran Dhaliwal, a family law (FCILEX) specialising in children disputes, including those involving domestic abuse.

Please note that this article is for guidance only, and does not constitute legal advice.