5 Steps to Achieve a Positive Divorce
Being confronted with a spouse’s decision to end a marriage, however short or long, is the most devastating news anyone could imagine. After all the shock, shame and anger – recognise that nobody wins in divorce, but you can keep either side from losing if you stay present and positive at every stage of negotiation and planning. To keep positive, consider the following:
- Create hope for the future
- Understand your part
- Forgive yourself
- Forgive your spouse
- Be mindful of the children
Divorce is a stressor, maybe more than the loss of a spouse. However, when that becomes your reality, know that the journey ahead can be better or worse. It’s all in the power of your choice. You have the power to create a better future. If you choose to be positive, you can apply that positive energy towards the future you envisage.
It is not about who is right or wrong but about what is right. Divorce is painful for everyone, but more so where you are not the instigator. The truth is that both parties may have misbehaved or violated principles; wisdom is to evaluate the part that is yours, own it and be willing to move on. Refuse to blame circumstances, especially your ex. If you decided to end the marriage, own your choice; if your ex made that choice for you, that is when you must choose to forgive. Blame is a victim’s mentality. Refuse to be caught in that web and stay positive.
As difficult as this may sound, forgiveness is your password to freedom and hope for a better future. Be tolerant with yourself. The fact that your marriage failed does not mean that you are a bad person. It does not also mean that you have failed. Failure is an event, not a person. Learn to focus on gratitude, see your life as a work in progress that is good, beautiful, abundant, rich and blessed. Consider creating a positivity club by inviting family and friends to support you in your journey or join existing clubs, if any. Be mindful of haters clubs. They will not add value but will dissipate the energy you need to emerge victorious.
Do not continue to ‘beat up’ your spouse for what he or she has done. The less you focus on things that are outside of your control, the more energy you have to focus on things that are within your control. Someone once said that ‘unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die’. Always remember that forgiveness is your path to freedom. Forgive and let go!
If you have children, know that the conflict between you and your spouse will have an unimaginable emotional and mental impact on them. For their sake, choose to stay positive. Do not attempt to make them aid your decisions or choose between their parents. There is no such thing as a clean-break divorce where children are involved. They will always be part of your lives, and you can still be a family long after the divorce has ended.
This note is not intended to substitute legal advice from your instructed lawyer. You should always consult with your lawyer directly regarding any specific queries you may have.